shenpa warrior

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass

My review

5 of 5 stars

Excellent research/clinically based overview of infidelity, how to prevent it, and how to get over it. The first few chapters are helpful for any committed relationship, regardless of whether an affair has occurred or not. I recommend the rest as well to anyone who needs help, or is interested in understanding how affairs happen in good (and bad) marriages, and what the unfaithful spouse, betrayed spouse, and even the affair partner go through.

While I have often heard the idea that married couples should "never be alone with a member of the opposite sex" and in some cases going so far as to say you should not even be friends, Glass outlines a much more practical yet still safe way to work with and have relationships with those of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on one's orientation):

1. Be completely open with your partner about what is going on between you and the other person.
2. Don't have lunch at work with the same person alone every time. If you have to travel with them, meet in public rooms, and never in a room with a bed.
3. "Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives."
4. If you need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a "friend of the marriage," i.e. they support your relationship. Make sure your friends are supportive of your relationship.
5. Discuss your online friendships with your partner. (Currently my wife does not have facebook, for example, so we talk about my online friends occasionally.)

Facts about infidelity:

• It is normal to be attracted to another person, but fantasizing about what it would be like to be with them is a danger sign.
• A happy marriage does not prevent infidelity.
• Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual chemistry. They can be more threatening than brief sexual flings.
• Only 3% of unfaithful spouses end up marrying their affair partners.

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