How well do you know your partner?

For the last seven months of 2009, I am going to work on one principle per month out of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Hopefully there will also be some things that stand out for you for working on your own relationships.
Nat and I have made a lot of progress with our EFT therapist during the past 8 months. It has been both exciting and exhausting, and sometimes I have not looked forward AT ALL to going. It has been hard work. Despite that, we are now a lot more understanding and patient with each other, and most importantly to me we know each other a lot better. The connection is stronger, and we don't as easily get caught in those same problems over and over again.

There are a lot of reasons why I want the best relationship possible, but an important one is to be a good example for others in committed relationships, and a positive influence on society in general. We ALL have challenges (sometimes quite significant, sometimes minor). Some relationships just don't work out.

I want to continually learn and grow in my relationship, and inspire others to get out of their comfort zone and get to work as well. Improving one's relationship is not just for "those people" who have "problems"... Also, not to single out men, but so often it seems their hubris is in the way of really getting to work on their relationships. If you're one of those men (or women), GET OVER YOURSELF! :)

The principle for July is to build and expand Love Maps. This is how much cognitive room (space in your brain!) you have for your partner. How well do you know them and their world? Do you know what has been bothering them lately? What have they enjoyed doing this week? Their favorite (or least-favorite) relative? What they think about organic food or how they feel about the book they are reading?

Take this quiz to find out how well you know your partner. Then, go ask your them an open-ended question (one that can't be answered with a 'yes' or 'no'). Ask them what they think or feel about something, and then listen. Put your thoughts on hold and just get to know their world. Surprisingly, a lot of couples don't ask each other very many questions like this. We should be continually building on what we know about those we care about, and they should feel known by us. This is very important to do over the course of one's relationship because people grow and change.

Love Maps are also the foundation for all good friendships, not just romantic relationships, so this principle applies to everyone!

Career Path(s)

I had an assignment in a career counseling class to write about my career path. Here goes...

When I was a child I was sure I wanted to be a paleontologist. I loved dinosaurs and everything about them. I collected books and rubber dinosaur figures, and even remember doing some sort of poster presentation on dinosaurs for my family. I do not know how I lost interest... maybe when I first saw paleontologists on TV digging in the desert. I also wanted to play in the NBA, but that dream was lost after a friend told me only one out of 400,000 or so basketball playing kids makes it that far. My career desires then logically moved on to “eventually taking over my father’s company.”

This lasted until middle school, when I realized that I did not have much interest in what he does, which includes spraying Teflon-like coatings on steel tanks (not the military variety), traveling two to three times a week, and keeping the peace between shop employees. His work (as well as my mother’s, who works with him) has had a lot of influence on my own path, however. It has taught me the necessary hard work and daily grind of providing for one’s family. The most important thing I learned from my parents career-wise is all the good that can be done if you're willing to share.


In high school I took an AP psych class. I learned there that I loved certain topics (such as social and personality psychology), and was completely bored out of my mind by others (cognitive and neuropsychology). In terms of the topics that I was interested in, I was pretty sure I wanted to study psychology in college.

Before college I spent two years as a volunteer missionary for the church in Japan. During that time I learned about the success many former missionaries had as international lawyers. This is what first sparked my interest in law. As a missionary I also gained confidence in speaking to people I did not know, more desire to help those in need, and learned how to work hard even when I did not feel like it.

Soon after returning home from Japan, while driving up a canyon to a snowboarding class, I listened to a tape of John Gottman talking about marriage that my older sister had given my parents. I was completely fascinated by it. While I loved the topic of marriage, I did not think of it in terms of a career at the time. Later on I also took some international law classes while doing a study abroad program. I got married soon after that, and began to think seriously about how to balance supporting a family with having a career that I enjoyed as well as one that contributed to society and to individuals.

With all this in mind, near the end of my undergraduate career I applied to law school. I also applied to a Master’s program in Japanese (which I got accepted to, but they did not offer the money that was mentioned in the application, so I turned them down.) I also applied to a counseling program. My sister had graduated from the same program here a few years earlier. On top of that, my aunt (who teaches in the program) made it sound really great. And that's where I am now. : )

John Gottman's Sound Relationship House

Build Love Maps-the process of really knowing your partner, their concerns, hopes and dreams. Ask them open-ended questions! (He says this is a very rare event in couples).

Share Fondness and Admiration-Masters of marriage really notice small events that are pleasing, and communicate respect, admiration, and fondness to their partner, e.g. “I really enjoyed talking to you at dinner," "thanks for doing the laundry” etc. These partners scan the environment for things to share. “Disasters” of marriage look for their partner’s mistakes, and hope that by making comments on what they’re doing wrong, they can help their partner be a better human being.  He said his wife would not respond to his criticism by saying, “You know John, you are such a wise person, thank you for telling me all the ways I’m failing as a human being.”

Turn Towards Instead of Away-this is responding to the way your partner expresses needs/their bids for attention.  For example, if your spouse comments on something--no matter how small--you should respond kindly.  Stable couples turn towards 86% of the time.  Divorcing couples about 33%.

These first three levels of the house make repair work in relationships. If this is done, more humor and positive affect will occur during arguments. Laughter puts people in “what’s this mode” in a discussion rather than “what the hell is this mode.” If you build these first three levels, you will have more positive affect during conflict.  It also leads to good sex and romance. He talked about many husbands who are not doing any of these first 3 levels of the house, and then they try to do something like give their wife a golden locket with their picture in it – "is she going to like it?" or do you think she’ll say “John, I love it! let’s have sex!” - probably not.

The Positive Perspective-this is positive sentiment override (vs. negative-an overall negative evaluation of your partner and the relationship. See them more as an adversary than an ally. They view even neutral or positive events as negative).

Manage Conflict-69% of the time, couples are fighting about the same stuff, in the same way.  Relationships work when you select someone to have a relationship with whose unsolved problems you can live with. They can be about punctuality, neatness, commitment, finances, or anything. Hidden agendas emerge as these are discussed.  A couple may be talking about money, but underneath is the problem of what money means. Masters of marriage establish a dialogue about these issues.  The goal in therapy is not to resolve these problems, but to get people to cope with them better.  Partners must constantly adapt to one another’s needs... Masters of marriage have a gentle approach to conflict – they accept influence, use humor, etc. Two things must be recognized: most conflicts are perpetual-each person’s position has an existential meaning that has to be examined, and both partners must have a gentle approach to the conflict.

Make Life Dreams Come True-know your partner's life dreams, and work together to accomplish them.

Create Shared Meaning-build a sense of culture and meaning, including parts of society, church, children, basically creating a new culture from two separate families. 

Some final thoughts:

• He suggested couples do “the 6 second kiss upon reunion” Then he counted out 6 seconds, and smiled and said, “that’s a kiss that has possibilities” lol.
• Many people say they want this written on their tombstone: “He lived every day like it was his last.” Gottman wants this on his tombstone: “He lived life, as if every moment he was about to eat a pastry.”
• With the bottom level (love maps) and the top (shared meaning) so related, "maybe it shouldn’t be called 'The Sound Relationship House' but instead, 'The sound relationship bagel.'  I don’t take myself very seriously."

"And that's everything I know, so far."

“If we knew what we were doing, we wouldn’t call it research.”

 

Some Points on Marriage

Some interesting points from a recent lecture at school, as well as from John Gottman:

• 60% of males have sexual contact outside of marriage (45% of females). What about extensive extramarital "emotional contact"? Some researchers have suggested that it can be more damaging than sexual contact. Thoughts?
• 85% of couples in marital therapy will get divorced within a year (what I think needs to happen is: couples need come in before their problems get too bad, and couples who come in to soften their divorce should not be counted in these stats).
• The ratio of positive to negative interactions between couples who eventually divorce is about 1:1.  For those who are surviving, it is about 5:1.  For couples doing really well, it is about 20:1.
• About 70% of our marital problems existed long before the marriage, and will probably last until we die.  How we talk about them is more important than solving them.  Gottman suggests a kind and gentle approach to conflict.
• About 2/3 of wives experience a decrease in marital satisfaction after a new baby arrives.  Even less shocking, it's usually the husband's fault.  He often does not join her on the new adventure.  About 1/2 of husbands experience a decrease, but it comes later...maybe after the wife's satisfaction decreases?

John Gottman & Researched-Based Parenting

Recently I had the chance to see John Gottman give a speech on "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child." Gottman has long been one of my professional and personal heroes due to his extensive research on marital relationships and parenting. This is not Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, or John Gray here folks. Gottman's stuff is based on decades of research. He also doesn't run these seminars to try to sell his books--not once did he mention them (but I will, because they have made a huge impact on how I approach my marital relationship).

He said that we need to treat our spouses and children like we treat friends and guests. He gave a couple of painfully obvious (and funny) examples of this: if a guest spilled wine on your carpet, you would not tear into him about how clumsy he was and how he needed to be more careful, you would offer him another glass. Or, if she forgot her umbrella, you wouldn't chase after her yelling about how she is so forgetful, you would say, "Hey, you forgot your umbrella." In short, we tend to overlook the flaws in our friends, but not our spouses. We need to be courteous and kind with our spouses and children, something we already know how to do with guests. It does not mean we shouldn't teach our children, just that they have a big sense of dignity and we should treat them respectfully.

The last point I really liked was that there are two types of parents--the first ("dismissing") will give the child a ton of information, wait until the child does something wrong, and then point out their mistakes. The other type ("Emotion Coaching" - what he recommends) gives the child just a little information, and then waits for the child to do something right, and points it out. Basically, he asserts that "constructive criticism" does not work. According to research (which he sited numerous times for pretty much everything he said, pointing out mistakes tends to increase them.

In short, his "Emotion Coaching" of children is summed up in these steps:

1. Notice the child's emotion.
2. Take on the attitude that the emotion is an opportunity for teaching and intimacy.
3. Validate their emotion--even when there is misbehavior involved.
4. Provide verbal labels for the emotion--it gives the child a sense of control.
5. Help them solve their problem, while setting limits.  "All wishes and feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors."

Why do we believe in such malarkey? (or, A Short History of Childbirth)

N and I have been reading “And Baby Makes Three,” by the marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman. It is about keeping your marriage alive after Baby arrives, and is based on a 13-year study. I recommend it. Not just for new parents, but the knowledge applies to anyone with kids at home.

Anyway, there was a brief section on the history of childbirth, which illuminates, as history always does, some of the nonsense that we have believed in. A few of the more interesting examples:

1-Women were dying from an infection called puerperal (post birth) fever. A doctor from Vienna, Ignaz Semmelweis, decided to run an experiment with one group delivering their babies via doctors at a hospital, and the other group via midwives. Turned out those at the hospital were four times as likely to die from the infection. Why? Because the doctors’ hands were dirty. In a remarkable display of cognition, Dr. Semmelweis proposed that antiseptics be used prior to the birth. Well, this didn’t go over well in the medical community. Doctors are ‘gentlemen,’ and they certainly do not have dirty hands. How could patients trust a doctor who needed to use antiseptics? Dr. Semmelweis was accused of trying to ruin the reputation of his fellow doctors, was kicked out of the profession, and died in poverty. I’m sure his reward in heaven will be/is great.

2-A young student at Humboldt State University in the sixties (when husbands weren’t allowed in the delivery room) decided to chain himself to his laboring wife. So the doctor called the cops. While the officer was trying to figure out what to do, the baby was born. No charges were pressed, but word spread about this “crime.” Of course this led to other fathers thinking, “gee, I want to be with my wife at the hospital too,” and since then change has thankfully ensued.

I am grateful that we don’t have such weird opinions about childbirth now, but I am not so naïve to think we have it all down perfect. Look back a few years and you’ll think, “wow, I can’t believe that was the popular opinion then.” In a few more years, what are we going to think about our opinions of 2007? Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but sometimes it seems like we were way off. What do you think we are currently wrong/misguided about? Or do you think we have it all pretty much close to perfect right now?