Blog has moved!

As of July 2009 I have switched over to WordPress. Check it out!

May be switching to WordPress - Let me know what you think

Due to ongoing problems with my comments, and a few other more narcissism-related issues, I may be moving from Blogger to Wordpress. Could you take a second and go to the new shenpa warrior blog on WordPress? Click here.

Let me know what you think (you can leave a comment here or there). If we all like the new blog better, I will try to move the url for this blog to that one, so hopefully no one will need to update their links.

Thanks in advance, and thank you for the help in the previous post.

going through some blog changes - please leave a comment to see if everything is working

More than a few people have complained about the difficulty they have had commenting on my blog. One of my best friends even got so frustrated with it he said "I TRULY, TRULY, HATE this blog." Yes, we're still friends of course, but something had to change. I'm not much of a computer genius, but I thought if I completely scrapped the old template with all my inept hacks... perhaps it will start working better now.

On that note, please leave a comment (especially if you have had ANY trouble in the past commenting here - let me know what the trouble has been). Thanks in advance! If I don't get any comments, I'll know that there are still some bugs.

A few thoughts on movies

I saw Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince last night.

I was hoping there would be all kinds of witches and whatnot at the theater, but apparently that's all for the midnight showing the day before.

A few thoughts:

1. WHO brings their babies to movies? Seriously. If they're still in the womb, fine, but otherwise, PLEASE find a time and a movie that no one else is at.
2. For those who love to talk THE ENTIRE TIME, please find the parents of #1 and go to movies with them. We had some wonderful teenage boys next to us, who DID NOT STOP talking. And then at the end, one of them said "that movie was stupid!" Really. You know what YOU'RE STUPID! Okay that was harsh, but at least I didn't curse him. (That's a really good link, by the way.)
   
3. How in the world did this movie get a PG rating? While it may not have been as intense as The Dark Knight or Pirates of the Caribbean, for example (which both should have been rated R - yeah, I re-rate our dvds, lol. Conspiracy Theory is now PG-13 if you want to watch it at my house), it wasn't PG worthy either. As usual, kids-in-mind helps out a lot more. The Incredibles, and UP were also rated PG...
4. Despite all that, the movie was really good I thought. More humor and lighter scenes than usual, and the actors seem to be getting better with each movie. Keep in mind this movie is setting up the last two, so just like the rest of the movies it doesn't really feel complete.
   

The Unfortunate Truth

Most husbands need to step up to the plate.

For those who do, marital happiness stays, or actually increases if the couple has children. About 2/3 don't, however. They end up in relationships where the man works 8-10 hours a day, and the woman works 16 or more. Naturally, those wives (the 2/3 of married women) are not as happy--they experience a significant drop in marital satisfaction with the arrival of a new baby.

Even when both partners work, the woman usually does more housework, and more of the less desirable chores.

A few years ago Nat and I figured out (with some bad math) that she was doing 55% and I was doing 45% (this includes chores, work, and school). Naturally, we were both surprised at how low our percentages were. The only thing I'm sure of is focusing on 50-50 is not a good idea. Both partners need to be striving to help the relationship and each other.

How is the balance in your relationship? Are you focused on doing your share, or do you focus more on what you are doing and less on your partner?

Roundup: Canadian Healthcare, Gov. Sanford, & Excommunication

• Steve at The Zombie Chronicles once again reminds us why Obama's plan for health care will not be, for lack of a better word, socialist.
  He also lists a succinct dispelling of the myths about Canadian healthcare. For example, most Canadian doctors do not work for the government, and there are no waits for urgent or primary care. Granted, no system is perfect, but I agree with Steve--we need a major change, and the fear mongering gets us nowhere.


• Apparently some friends of Beliefnet's Steven Waldman feel that because Governor Sanford was in love with his mistress, he deserves more sympathy. Really? I think that fact makes his affair a LOT worse--affairs are WAY more damaging when love is involved.

• On Gay LDS Actor, an openly gay and believing Mormon writes about his recent excommunication from the church, as well as his experiences as he continues to attend the meetings and engage in the faith. It is profound, despite your religious (or lack of) persuasion.

How well do you know your partner?

For the last seven months of 2009, I am going to work on one principle per month out of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Hopefully there will also be some things that stand out for you for working on your own relationships.
Nat and I have made a lot of progress with our EFT therapist during the past 8 months. It has been both exciting and exhausting, and sometimes I have not looked forward AT ALL to going. It has been hard work. Despite that, we are now a lot more understanding and patient with each other, and most importantly to me we know each other a lot better. The connection is stronger, and we don't as easily get caught in those same problems over and over again.

There are a lot of reasons why I want the best relationship possible, but an important one is to be a good example for others in committed relationships, and a positive influence on society in general. We ALL have challenges (sometimes quite significant, sometimes minor). Some relationships just don't work out.

I want to continually learn and grow in my relationship, and inspire others to get out of their comfort zone and get to work as well. Improving one's relationship is not just for "those people" who have "problems"... Also, not to single out men, but so often it seems their hubris is in the way of really getting to work on their relationships. If you're one of those men (or women), GET OVER YOURSELF! :)

The principle for July is to build and expand Love Maps. This is how much cognitive room (space in your brain!) you have for your partner. How well do you know them and their world? Do you know what has been bothering them lately? What have they enjoyed doing this week? Their favorite (or least-favorite) relative? What they think about organic food or how they feel about the book they are reading?

Take this quiz to find out how well you know your partner. Then, go ask your them an open-ended question (one that can't be answered with a 'yes' or 'no'). Ask them what they think or feel about something, and then listen. Put your thoughts on hold and just get to know their world. Surprisingly, a lot of couples don't ask each other very many questions like this. We should be continually building on what we know about those we care about, and they should feel known by us. This is very important to do over the course of one's relationship because people grow and change.

Love Maps are also the foundation for all good friendships, not just romantic relationships, so this principle applies to everyone!

shenpa warrior: The 2,760,016th most popular website in the country!

According to "Alexa: The Web Information Company" there are only 2.76 million sites ahead of me. According to Technorati, shenpa warrior is also the 498,210 most popular blog. Well on my way to making a living in the blogging world! ;)

Another interesting thing on the site was the "search terms" that have brought in the most traffic:

1. taken movie
2. shenpa meaning
3. salt lake trib
4. eyring caffeine
5. eyring caffine
6. takes to satan
7. wall-e propaganda apple
8. my geekines knows no bounderies
9. joseph smith losing case
10. stop mormon losing faith

Speechless. It seems that most of those are not intentionally looking to read my blog. These are pretty fun though--check out yours! According to my statcounter, over 60% of visitors are also on the site for less than 5 seconds. :)

Money CAN Buy Happiness?

We've all heard that "money can't buy happiness" ad nauseam. Now a study says it can.

In a social psychology class during undergrad we were taught that in general money does not make one happier, with the exception of wealth providing you with basic needs, and helping to fulfill significant life dreams that are in line with one's core values.

A recent study claims that money can also buy happiness in the sense that it provides some sense of control in cases of disaster or material loss. If you can't replace your wrecked car, you may be less happy than the person who can afford a new one. Reading further in the article, it says that what really matters is one's perception that they have an adequate amount.

Some thoughts:

1. The wealthy, the big businesses, etc. who are driven to always have more may never be able to rest. They may never feel secure. In fact, that sense of material security is indeed false and ephemeral, according to Buddhist teachings. This is also part of the reason for my disdain for capitalism. A free market may be better than s*cialism, but ultimately it runs on greed, fear, and insecurity. You can argue the "lesser of two evils" idea, but it is still evil, in the sense that it ultimately leads to suffering.
2. In order to be free from this suffering, and be happier, we should learn to find this security and peace with what we already have. Want more? Great, but don't seek more for the purpose of being happier. In the best case it will provide some temporary dopamine-laced thrills which will eventually die and a new fix will be needed.
3. All that being said, I am loving my new iPhone. Hypocrisy abounds!

What do you think? How is your happiness related to your bank account? At what point do you stop and decide that you have enough?

Let The Holy Spirit Clean Your Kitchen

I have been working at an agency owned by a religious organization. No problems there. In fact, many of my fellow therapists do not belong to said religion, with no reprisals. We all get along pretty well. It's a different story in the bathrooms though.

In all the bathrooms there are automatic towel dispensers. I don't know what brand they are because the logos are all covered up with stickers of the agency's logo. Fine. I guess they don't want any advertising. The amusing part is, the normal part of the dispensers that instructs one to "wave your hand here" in order for a towel to come out, have all been covered with stickers that say "Pray 'N Dry."

Really.

Another employee (who was offended by proxy for all the fellow heretics, as well as those souls receiving counseling services) has pulled the stickers off a few times, but they come right back. Just like the WalMart does in South Park.

What do you think is the purpose of the stickers? Perhaps an object lesson on faith? I.e. if I stick my hand under there, a towel will come out? Or is it a reminder to pray to avoid getting sick? If that were the case the sign ought to be by the soap, as in "bless this soap that it will wash those germs off and I won't get swine flu!"

Little did I know, some trickster had beaten me to it. I went into a different bathroom at work today, and there was a sticker (obviously home-made) on the soap dispenser that read:

"Receive the Holy Spirit, then wash the @$%&#! out of your hands!"

That sticker made up for all the others. Now when I see "Pray 'N Dry" not only do my hands dry, but I get a good laugh as well. Thank you Pavlov. You made my day.

Some Sex Statistics from The Kinsey Institute

Don't worry, it's just stats--nothing too uncomfortable.

Sex In Marriage:

• 3% of married women have not had sex in the past year. 1% of men.
• 13% of married couples have sex a few times a year.
• 45% a few times a month.
• 34% 2-3 times per week.
• 7% More than 4 times per week.

This is about what I have been telling clients (e.g. 2-3 times a week to 2-3 times a month is the "normal" range). One client who was wanting sex multiple times per day is obviously in the extreme, (although, I think that may be due to his not knowing how to emotionally connect in other ways).

Sexual Orientation:

• 90% of people consider themselves to be heterosexual, ~2% homosexual, ~2% bisexual, and ~4% as ‘something else’.
• 6.2% of men and 4.4% of women are attracted to people of the same sex.

I think it is important to consider not just the prevalence, but the diversity of experience and attraction beyond the simple gay or straight categories, including the fluid nature for some (but certainly not all).

Internet Pornography:

• 25% of men report* visiting a pornographic website in the last 30 days. 4% of women.
• 8% of men and women who use the Internet for sexual reasons reported significant problems associated with compulsive disorders.

I wonder if in more conservative or religious cultures this is a bigger problem because of the secrecy and greater amount of shame involved (which seem to make an addictive cycle worse). I would be curious about studies on this topic done on a cross-cultural/religious manner.

Masturbation:

• 5% of men and 11% of women have never masturbated.
• 35% of men ages 18-39 do not masturbate, 37% 'sometimes', 28% more than once per week.

For those who believe masturbation is something that needs to be abstained from, how do you teach your kids while at the same time not instilling them with excessive guilt and feelings of isolation, when in fact more than 90% do at some point?

Orgasm:

• 62% of women in relationships are “very satisfied” with the frequency of orgasm.

This seems to be in stark contrast to men, whom except in rare cases almost always have an orgasm during sex. Nature's cruelty to women!

Contraception:

• More than 120 million couples a year have an unmet need for contraception.

Think about all the unwanted pregnancies that would not occur if these people had this need met!

Rape:

• 14.8 % of women in the U.S. are raped at some point during their life.

This stat is scary. I had no idea it was so high. My wife actually thought it was low. Scary.

*Keep in mind, these are all self-report statistics. Some could be higher or lower.

What do you think? Anything surprising here (on the low end or the high)?

Fun with Deity & Billboards

Not believing in God is the cause of war.



God doesn't like the Big Bang Theory. I don't know why. Anyone have an idea?


Which sign came first I wonder...


This one's a classic. Watch out for that atheist family next door. Their son may shoot you. Then again, I can see their point. If you believe that people are inherently depraved and evil, without God they certainly would turn bad. What's wrong with believing in God AND the inherent goodness of people?

A Middle Way for Anger

"What is called for today is NOT the ungoverned gush of raw feelings, but a new civility that accommodates the expression of angry emotions."

For a marriage class I am teaching, I have been reading Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Apparently there is indeed a middle ground between suffering in silence and unbridled self-expression, and it is a myth that we have "bottled up" emotions that have to be let out. Not surprisingly, finding a balance in the middle is best.

• We have a choice regarding what to do with our anger. “We do not need to deny our mammalian, primate heritage, but we do not need to reduce ourselves to it, either.”
• Ventilating our anger just makes us more angry, especially if we can't really make a change. Want to hate ____ (liberals, George W. Bush, militant atheists, CEOs, Hollywood, Evangelicals, Utah, Mormons, war, gays, anti-gays, broccoli, WalMart) even more? Continue to talk about your dislike, as passionately as you can. It really works!
• Controlled use of angry expression or catharsis can indeed be beneficial and promote change, only when certain circumstances are in place: 1-It must be directed at your target, 2-It must give you a sense of control, 3-It must change your target's behavior OR give you new insights, 4-You must speak the same anger language as your target (i.e. both parties at least understand the way the other side is using anger), and 5-There must be no retaliation from your target. If there is, contention will usually ensue and the problem will only get worse.
• Emotions almost never occur alone. When we are angry about something, there are often other emotions involved, such as hurt, fear, sadness, loneliness, etc. Expressing only anger will exclude and drown out the other emotions. In relationships, a key is to express your other feelings, which may be more likely to lead to fixing the problem, rather than defensiveness from your partner.
• Rage or venting is not a biological imperative, but rather a learned and habitual way of dealing with anger.

I think it is important to realize that not all anger is the same, and that it can be beneficial. Again, moderation.

How do you deal with your anger? How do you respond to your kids when they are angry? How is anger in public (online, in politics, protests, arguments) used, and when is it effective--or not?

Why Criticizing Obama for Choosing a Hispanic Woman is Racist

I am a product of white privilege. While I don't feel guilty about it, I do believe it is my responsibility to help those who have not been as fortunate to be successful, and that includes people of other cultures and backgrounds.

Where do you stand on this issue? I think what irks me the most is people like Pat Robertson who claim "reverse discrimination." Seriously, he thinks white people are not fairly treated. Where is "REALLY? with Seth and Amy" on this issue when I need it? White people have been getting theirs since the beginning of time. Please, don't worry about me. I'll be OKAY without the minority scholarship.

Should race or gender have any influence in the nomination something like of a supreme court justice or employee of the month? Obviously anyone would be accused of playing the race card if they chose the one Hispanic out of a group of white people. But that accusation itself smacks of racism.

Sometimes the "future" really does look like BTTF Part 2

I totally want this game.



When I saw this it totally looked like something from a movie 10-20 years ago, where someone (perhaps Marty McFly) goes to the future and they see all kinds of strange, yet very cool, things. Still waiting for the hoverboard.

For some kids, life is REALLY bad

Being a CASA volunteer a few years ago, and for the last two years working with foster children has opened my eyes to the reality that some children in our society face. I had no idea how bad it really gets for some. We should not be burying our heads in the sand.

Has anyone read A Child Called "It"? It was required in the CASA training as a sort of "welcome to the field, read this to prove you have some empathy" test. An acquaintance of mine wrote a critical review of the book a while back. While there is certainly nothing wrong with that, it really shows how many of us are completely unaware of what the lives of many children are like. Here is part of what she said:

"I classify this under non-fiction with tongue in cheek. The author claims it is the truth, but that's been called into question by the media and literary groups, and pretty much anyone reading it would have a hard time believing all the things happened which the author claims."

Whether or not the book is factual is really not the point. The author may very well have fabricated or sensationalized his early life in order to make a profit. Who knows? The point is that while the stuff that the boy's mother inflicts on him in the book is not a pretty sight (mostly emotional and some physical abuse), his story is not abnormal for the foster care field, and probably anyone I have worked with for the last two years could offer you a dozen case examples that were more horrific than that of the boy in the book.

Yes, perhaps "pretty much anyone reading" the book "would have a hard time believing all the things happened." I agree. It is hard to believe, until you realize they are really happening.

Not everyone is cut out to work in the foster care field--I've only been doing it part-time for two years, and have probably had enough. If you know any foster parents (who are not just doing it for the money) or counselors who work with children and trauma, they deserve your upmost admiration and respect. In terms of deserving praise on a national scale, they should be on par with the military.

Hugs

Who doesn't love hugs?

Who doesn't need them? Touch and closeness with others is in fact necessary for survival. It also lessens the intensity of pain and strengthens the immune system. According to a 2003 study, more hugs are related to better cardiovascular health and less reactivity to stress.

Apparently some high schools have banned hugging, while others embrace it. If appropriateness is a problem there is always the safe "side-hug" to fall back on.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Here's probably my favorite music video. Music by DMB and a lot of hugs by a guy with some sweet sideburns.


What is your stance on hugging? Close friends and family only? New friends? Weird guys running around on the street? Trees? Personally, I like any opportunity for a good hug, as long as it feels safe. Granted, hugs with my wife are more frequent and last a little longer, but being able to hug someone is a sign that there is comfort there--some kind of positive connection.

Your Favorite Children's Books

Among the many children's books we checked out yesterday at the library for our toddler was Bud and Gabby. I was thinking, "great, two cats, nice artwork, what could go wrong? It was all downhill from there. The idea for the story was decent--the cats are friends, one gets sick and has to go to the vet. Eventually it returns and they are reunited. Almost Zen-like in simplicity.

However, the writing is awful, which is quite unfortunate because my son really likes the book. Again it seemed the author was going for simplicity, but it's quite disjointed and almost painful to get through. I almost wanted to send a note to the illustrator that she should find a new writer, but it's the same person... Even more inexplicable is it received some kind of "Teacher's Pick" award. Has anyone else read this book? Perhaps we are missing something.

There are many great children's books, however. Goodnight Moon won me over with the existential "Goodnight nobody" page. I also like Moo Baa La La La. What are some that you grew up with, or like(d) reading to your kids?

LDS-related posts are still moving

I recently deleted my "best and worst Mormon quotes" post, because it has moved (and been improved quite a bit) to Mormon Matters. I realized that one of the reasons I started posting there was that I have many friends and readers of this blog who are not as interested in the Mormon stuff (just as I had earlier moved my personal stuff to a different blog, as well as all the baby photos (if you want links those, send me an email).

So, for the future, I will try to keep the solely-LDS posts at Mormon Matters, although I may at least announce here when I have a new post there. My new MM most: Best and Worst of Mormonism: Quotes!

So, if it's a purely LDS topic, it will be there. If it's a mixture Buddhism, Mormonism, Science, etc. then it may still go up here.

Thanks!

Home Theater Addiction

I've been slowly building the best inexpensive home theater possible. By best I mean not a set from a box at Wally World, and by inexpensive I mean on a grad student budget. I have also used a lot of credit card points. I also put everything on my Amazon wish list, then monitor the price for a while.

What I currently have:

37" Vizio LCD

Panasonic DMP-BD35 Blu-ray player

Yamaha NS-C225 center speaker

Yamaha NS-333 speakers - these are currently in front, but will move to the back surrounds in the future. There is also a pair being used for regular surrounds.

Yamaha RX V663 7.1 Receiver

Still to come:

Yamaha NS-777 speakers (for the front).

Yamaha 10 inch sub. This will have to wait until we're done with apartment life. Someday the Vizio will also be upgraded to a 1080p projector. Someday when I have something called a salary.

Anyone else have any materialistic proclivities?