How well do you know your partner?

For the last seven months of 2009, I am going to work on one principle per month out of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Hopefully there will also be some things that stand out for you for working on your own relationships.
Nat and I have made a lot of progress with our EFT therapist during the past 8 months. It has been both exciting and exhausting, and sometimes I have not looked forward AT ALL to going. It has been hard work. Despite that, we are now a lot more understanding and patient with each other, and most importantly to me we know each other a lot better. The connection is stronger, and we don't as easily get caught in those same problems over and over again.

There are a lot of reasons why I want the best relationship possible, but an important one is to be a good example for others in committed relationships, and a positive influence on society in general. We ALL have challenges (sometimes quite significant, sometimes minor). Some relationships just don't work out.

I want to continually learn and grow in my relationship, and inspire others to get out of their comfort zone and get to work as well. Improving one's relationship is not just for "those people" who have "problems"... Also, not to single out men, but so often it seems their hubris is in the way of really getting to work on their relationships. If you're one of those men (or women), GET OVER YOURSELF! :)

The principle for July is to build and expand Love Maps. This is how much cognitive room (space in your brain!) you have for your partner. How well do you know them and their world? Do you know what has been bothering them lately? What have they enjoyed doing this week? Their favorite (or least-favorite) relative? What they think about organic food or how they feel about the book they are reading?

Take this quiz to find out how well you know your partner. Then, go ask your them an open-ended question (one that can't be answered with a 'yes' or 'no'). Ask them what they think or feel about something, and then listen. Put your thoughts on hold and just get to know their world. Surprisingly, a lot of couples don't ask each other very many questions like this. We should be continually building on what we know about those we care about, and they should feel known by us. This is very important to do over the course of one's relationship because people grow and change.

Love Maps are also the foundation for all good friendships, not just romantic relationships, so this principle applies to everyone!

What is a person?

Next week I will be "defending" my Personal Theory of Counseling paper. Defending is in quotes because it's not a thesis. I have been working on the six-page monstrosity for a year and a half though. You can see some of the evolution of this section (progress?) by checking out a similar post I wrote at Mormon Matters last year. If anything this will give you all some insight into my view of earthlings (self included, of course!).



Here is my first section, on what a person is.

I. Nature of the Person
All human beings have individual minds, which vary in temperament and are capable of independent thought and action. These minds are called intelligences, and are eternal and without a beginning. In a natural yet mysterious process our Heavenly Father and Mother gathered these intelligences and combined them with their nature in embryonic form, creating our spirits. This nature includes a basic goodness and the ability to grow and become perfect like them. Our spirit enters our physical body when we are born.

Human Beings:
1. Seek out safety and exploration.
2. Are growth-oriented.
3. Have free will.
4. Are born with heredity from their biological family.
5. Experience happenstance.
6. Have meta-cognitive and meta-emotional capabilities.
7. Seek out structure and values.
8. Get stuck in habitual ways of regulating emotions and managing stress.
9. Are able to create meaning.
10. Have the ability to forgive others and repair relationships.

What do you think? Anything not make sense? What would you add (especially to the numbered section, as there are obviously going to be different views on the opening paragraph)?

Graduation is Saturday!!!

Poll on Marriage Counseling

Since my wife and I have started seeing a counselor (trying to make that 8/10 marriage into a 9.8 out of 10), we have had various reactions from friends and family. Some think it's a good idea for anyone, some are a little jealous, and some recoil with horror and try to make excuses for why we would need to do such a thing. "Surely it must be for your training, Adam." Little does that third group know, we like going. We are actually regular people with regular problems, and don't want to settle for anything less that pretty much amazing. Which is important because contrary to popular belief, people who have higher standards and expectations for their marriage have the best marriages, not the worst.

While I certainly don't think everyone needs to go, even if they have the opportunity, it is a great resource, and I am curious why many of us don't. Time for a poll!

For those voting "other," feel free to leave a thought in the comments. :)

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars

Hold Me Tight presents an attachment-based view of adult romantic love and relationships, based on the author's own Emotionally Focused Therapy... a lot of great info on working with emotions in your relationship, and not getting caught up in the same patterns up conflict that plague pretty much all of us. However, I think that the attempt at putting the highly interactive and experiential (not to mention effective!) therapy into book form was not a complete success--if it is even possible.

Read the book, especially the parts you can relate to (there will be plenty). Then if you have the inclination, find an EFT therapist. My wife and I have been to 8 sessions now, and are loving it. It is quite liberating to have new emotional experiences in therapy that allow for new ways of dealing with old problems and cycles of conflict.

View all my reviews.

''Sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner''

I know I said there weren´t going to be any posts until next week, but I recently read this quote from Spencer W. Kimball, and thought it was fantastic. Plus, it fits well into my personal theory of counseling.

“Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual. We can show forth our love for others even when we are called upon to correct them. We need to be able to look deeply enough into the lives of others to see the basic causes for their failures and shortcomings.”

I would like to write more about what I believe `sin´ is, but that will have to wait. For now, I will just say that I believe sin is anything that slows or halts our progression. We all sin, it is part of life. What matters is our ability or effort in continuing on, in repairing relationships, and not giving up on the ultimate task of life, that of personal growth in ourselves and others. I think it is important to reframe the stigma of the word 'sin' into a conceptualization that is something that is a part of our lives, something that we need not loathe ourselves over, but rather rejoice that we have the opportunity to live and love and repair and even grow sometimes even though it can be painful.

Nature of The Person

New post of mine on mormon matters.

Success & Meaning

How I define my success:

1. How well am I interacting with those I am close to.
2. Working to ameliorate the suffering of others, and helping them grow.
3. How big my DVD collection is.

Okay, so number three creeps in there once in a while.

Nothing is more important to me in terms of personal success than learning to be a better partner or father or friend, through working on being less defensive, more considerate, and softer in my interactions. 

Secondly, working to help others grow is also important to me. As I discussed last week, that all truth is a part of the gospel, I consider anything that helps someone to grow to be the same as "missionary work." Meeting someone in their sphere of life and promoting their growth within it, whether through a friendship or therapy is meaningful to me.

As for number three, I'm going to write this above my DVD cabinet:

"Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth."

How do you define success? What in your life gives you meaning?

not the same

I just found out one of my clients passed away.

He was my age, but knew a lot more of the nature of suffering. Constant pain, all kinds of illnesses; one left him paralyzed. Had only been in for one session, depressed. “I still go fishing, but it’s not the same.”

Career Path(s)

I had an assignment in a career counseling class to write about my career path. Here goes...

When I was a child I was sure I wanted to be a paleontologist. I loved dinosaurs and everything about them. I collected books and rubber dinosaur figures, and even remember doing some sort of poster presentation on dinosaurs for my family. I do not know how I lost interest... maybe when I first saw paleontologists on TV digging in the desert. I also wanted to play in the NBA, but that dream was lost after a friend told me only one out of 400,000 or so basketball playing kids makes it that far. My career desires then logically moved on to “eventually taking over my father’s company.”

This lasted until middle school, when I realized that I did not have much interest in what he does, which includes spraying Teflon-like coatings on steel tanks (not the military variety), traveling two to three times a week, and keeping the peace between shop employees. His work (as well as my mother’s, who works with him) has had a lot of influence on my own path, however. It has taught me the necessary hard work and daily grind of providing for one’s family. The most important thing I learned from my parents career-wise is all the good that can be done if you're willing to share.


In high school I took an AP psych class. I learned there that I loved certain topics (such as social and personality psychology), and was completely bored out of my mind by others (cognitive and neuropsychology). In terms of the topics that I was interested in, I was pretty sure I wanted to study psychology in college.

Before college I spent two years as a volunteer missionary for the church in Japan. During that time I learned about the success many former missionaries had as international lawyers. This is what first sparked my interest in law. As a missionary I also gained confidence in speaking to people I did not know, more desire to help those in need, and learned how to work hard even when I did not feel like it.

Soon after returning home from Japan, while driving up a canyon to a snowboarding class, I listened to a tape of John Gottman talking about marriage that my older sister had given my parents. I was completely fascinated by it. While I loved the topic of marriage, I did not think of it in terms of a career at the time. Later on I also took some international law classes while doing a study abroad program. I got married soon after that, and began to think seriously about how to balance supporting a family with having a career that I enjoyed as well as one that contributed to society and to individuals.

With all this in mind, near the end of my undergraduate career I applied to law school. I also applied to a Master’s program in Japanese (which I got accepted to, but they did not offer the money that was mentioned in the application, so I turned them down.) I also applied to a counseling program. My sister had graduated from the same program here a few years earlier. On top of that, my aunt (who teaches in the program) made it sound really great. And that's where I am now. : )

Not In Portland* - Day 1

I arrived in Honolulu today for the American Counseling Association Conference. I'll be here about six days, four for the conference, and two for some sweet vacation time.  I don't think today counts as a vacation day, because it was the first time I ever thought I wanted to die.  I've been recovering from a cold, and endured probably the worst pain (from sinus pressure) I have ever felt in my life, for about 45 minutes, twice (as the plane descended). Granted, there are much more painful things in the world, but this was bad.  If I had known it was going to be this bad, I would not have come.  Some nerves in my face were being pinched as well, so not only did my head feel like it was being run over, but also like someone was drilling a hole in it above my left eye--only without the pressure relief. There is always good to be learned from suffering, as much as I detest it. I can now choose to be a little softer, a little more compassionate. I hope. I also hope it clears up before I fly home next week.

In some lighter news, Miss Idaho was sitting in the row behind me (on the first half of the trip)--going to Seattle, I think, for a pageant. She wasn't donning the headwear on the plane, but she still managed to stand out a little--probably the only passenger with a tan, wearing a dress, and speaking in complete sentences... Also, our flight number was "851," and I was headed to "the Island." Not exact, but eerily close eh? I was also able to watch some X-Files ("Scully!") and read some New Moon ("Bella!")

We took a shuttle from the airport, which was going fine until "some bloke" (according to an Aussie sitting in the row behind me) started complaining about the lack of air conditioning. Some others started chirping as well, and finally the driver decided he'd had enough, so he pulled into a parking lot, and said we could all wait for another shuttle! Boo hoo. Bus driver doesn't want to play anymore. We all coaxed him back on the bus, and he agreed to finish the route... Seriously, if you're saving money riding the airport shuttle on a tropical island, can you REALLY demand air conditioning?

I ended up getting off a the wrong hotel, and decided to walk to the right one. The receptionist at said wrong hotel said a taxi would cost $15 so I told her I was going to walk ("Shall I have Snotty beam you down Sir?" "Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk!") When I asked for a map she said "Well, if you ARE going to walk, it’s at LEAST a mile and a half.” Do I look that old/out of shape/rich? It was a nice walk, and I found the right hotel. Even better, said right hotel is very close to my favorite restaraunt of all time, "Curry House," also known as CoCo Ichiban in Japan. MMmmm. I had some for dinner and it was delicious.

Back at the hotel, I tried to go to the pool, but it was closed.  In desperation I bought a Ben & Jerry's "Cookie Dough Ice Cream on a Brownie with a Thick Drizzle of Milk Chocolate Coating" ice-cream bar.  It too, was delicious.  I also bought some toothpaste.  Way more than I'll be able to use in a week.

*See Lost Episode: "Not in Portland"

Some Points on Marriage

Some interesting points from a recent lecture at school, as well as from John Gottman:

• 60% of males have sexual contact outside of marriage (45% of females). What about extensive extramarital "emotional contact"? Some researchers have suggested that it can be more damaging than sexual contact. Thoughts?
• 85% of couples in marital therapy will get divorced within a year (what I think needs to happen is: couples need come in before their problems get too bad, and couples who come in to soften their divorce should not be counted in these stats).
• The ratio of positive to negative interactions between couples who eventually divorce is about 1:1.  For those who are surviving, it is about 5:1.  For couples doing really well, it is about 20:1.
• About 70% of our marital problems existed long before the marriage, and will probably last until we die.  How we talk about them is more important than solving them.  Gottman suggests a kind and gentle approach to conflict.
• About 2/3 of wives experience a decrease in marital satisfaction after a new baby arrives.  Even less shocking, it's usually the husband's fault.  He often does not join her on the new adventure.  About 1/2 of husbands experience a decrease, but it comes later...maybe after the wife's satisfaction decreases?

I confess, I am a feminist. But we really need a new word. Or a new clarification of the definition.

This evening in class we talked about feminist theory (or philosophy) and how it relates to counseling. The term "feminism" arouses a lot of antipathetic affect in people, but I have a whole new (and hopefully more mature) definition for myself now. Feminism for me is not just about middle class white women, but about equality for anyone that is oppressed or treated unequally. How does feminism relate to therapy? Here are some points from my professor...

Feminist Theory and Counseling:
1-gender sensitive practice
2-highlights power in relationships (not as good or bad, just points it out)
3-confronts ALL forms of discrimination
4-the clients become their own expert
5-egalitarian and empowering
6-emphasizes conscious-raising techniques
7-has the goals of individual change and social transformation
8-encourages questioning of stereotypes

A lot of these are principles that I would like to incorporate into my own work, and life. I mean, who is against being egalitarian or confronting discrimination?

I love not only learning about new perspectives, but also when what I learn is actually something I want to incorporate into my life.

Duty to warn: A (fictional) counselor's dilemma

For my ethics class we have a presentation about an ethical dilemma. Here is the case we made up:

A counselor has been seeing a male, married client for two or three months. The client is suffering from extraordinary feelings of guilt and anxiety because he has been having an affair for eight years. He's been married for fourteen. The client and the counselor are both Christian, and even belong to the same denomination.

The counselor believes strongly in a Christian theory of completely confessing all of your sins, and in so doing, you will be redeemed. The counselor recommends this technique (and feels that he has a fellow Christian duty to promote this technique) to the client, who seems very hesitant. The counselor feels that the client will continue to suffer from guilt and anxiety until he confesses. The client finally agrees, and his wife comes in for a session, under the assumption that they will be discussing the state of the marriage.

At the counselor's gentle urging, the husband turns to the wife and tells her that he's been having an affair -- for eight years. At first the wife stares, shocked, as the husband tells her how he met the woman, how he has slowly fallen in love with her, how he still loves his wife their children, and how anxious, guilty, and worried he's been that she would find out.

The wife's eyes soon begin to narrow and she becomes very angry. In a low, trembling, angry voice, she asks him question after question: "How many times have you slept with her? Where do you do it? Do you talk about me to her? Does she know about me? Is she better in bed than me? Are you using condoms? Have you been tested? What does she do? Where does she work? WHERE DOES SHE LIVE? WHAT IS HER NAME?"

At this point, both the client and the therapist are beginning to get nervous, and are questioning whether this technique may have been a mistake. The client keeps darting his eyes nervously at the counselor, but the counselor nods as him, knowing he has to finish the technique, so the client gives his wife all the information, including the name and address.

At this point, the wife pulls out her cell phone and dials 411. In a clear voice, she asks for the address of the mistress. She writes it down on a notepad nearby. As she hangs up, the counselor and client stare at her at alarm. The client smiles sweetly: "I'm just going to pay her a little visit," she says. "She will not be sleeping with any more married men in the future."


The dilemmas are related to the duty to warn principle. Is the therapist responsible to warn the mistress? Did the wife really make a threat? In the past therapists have been responsible to warn the third party because of thier relationship with the client. But the wife is not the client, so is their no responsibility there?

Psychotherapy for Vampires, and Halloween

I like counseling at night--from about 7 pm on. For my program we have had to practice counseling each other using all of our sweet counseling skills. The sessions I did at night were way better. Maybe I was just more tired so I was not as discerning, but I enjoy it at night a lot more. Hopefully I can find another job that I can do during the day (adminstration, legal, teaching) and do counseling at night. Regardless, it's been a really neat experience just to practice counseling. One of my professors told me yesterday that I have already grown a lot in the last few months, which I didn't believe, but I still couldn't stop smiling about it for the next 30 minutes. : )

N and I finally came up with cheap halloween costumes (we have a church party, and one at school). She is going to be old school Avril Lavigne (is it possible for a twentysomething to be old school?). I am going to be Dr. House. We found a blazer and a cane, but I still need to work more on the attitude. And I need to stop shaving for a few days. And a bottle of Vicodin. LG is going to be a lion. He likes to growl. Lately he decided he likes to roll around too, but maybe he can be a rolling lion. He's already so cute I don't know how dressing him up as a lion will make him any cuter...