Some Sex Statistics from The Kinsey Institute

Don't worry, it's just stats--nothing too uncomfortable.

Sex In Marriage:

• 3% of married women have not had sex in the past year. 1% of men.
• 13% of married couples have sex a few times a year.
• 45% a few times a month.
• 34% 2-3 times per week.
• 7% More than 4 times per week.

This is about what I have been telling clients (e.g. 2-3 times a week to 2-3 times a month is the "normal" range). One client who was wanting sex multiple times per day is obviously in the extreme, (although, I think that may be due to his not knowing how to emotionally connect in other ways).

Sexual Orientation:

• 90% of people consider themselves to be heterosexual, ~2% homosexual, ~2% bisexual, and ~4% as ‘something else’.
• 6.2% of men and 4.4% of women are attracted to people of the same sex.

I think it is important to consider not just the prevalence, but the diversity of experience and attraction beyond the simple gay or straight categories, including the fluid nature for some (but certainly not all).

Internet Pornography:

• 25% of men report* visiting a pornographic website in the last 30 days. 4% of women.
• 8% of men and women who use the Internet for sexual reasons reported significant problems associated with compulsive disorders.

I wonder if in more conservative or religious cultures this is a bigger problem because of the secrecy and greater amount of shame involved (which seem to make an addictive cycle worse). I would be curious about studies on this topic done on a cross-cultural/religious manner.

Masturbation:

• 5% of men and 11% of women have never masturbated.
• 35% of men ages 18-39 do not masturbate, 37% 'sometimes', 28% more than once per week.

For those who believe masturbation is something that needs to be abstained from, how do you teach your kids while at the same time not instilling them with excessive guilt and feelings of isolation, when in fact more than 90% do at some point?

Orgasm:

• 62% of women in relationships are “very satisfied” with the frequency of orgasm.

This seems to be in stark contrast to men, whom except in rare cases almost always have an orgasm during sex. Nature's cruelty to women!

Contraception:

• More than 120 million couples a year have an unmet need for contraception.

Think about all the unwanted pregnancies that would not occur if these people had this need met!

Rape:

• 14.8 % of women in the U.S. are raped at some point during their life.

This stat is scary. I had no idea it was so high. My wife actually thought it was low. Scary.

*Keep in mind, these are all self-report statistics. Some could be higher or lower.

What do you think? Anything surprising here (on the low end or the high)?

How 'bout it Utah?

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not oppose civil unions (officially, the church "does not oppose civil unions or domestic partnerships.") Repubican Governor Jon Huntsman Jr. said yesterday that he supports them. Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot to mention that Esteemed Sen. Chris Buttars is against them.

For those of you still against them, what say ye?

For all of us, is this a possibility, or are we wasting our breath?

Sunstone Essay

As you might have guessed, things have been pretty busy lately with school and flying all over the place for doctoral interviews. 

To tide you over I wanted to post the final version of what I wrote on Prop. 8 for Sunstone Magazine in December.

It is an adaptation of my post here a few months ago, so it's not required reading. ;)

I Love You, Period.

I tried to remain as neutral as possible on the gay marriage debate, passing it off with, "Well, I don't live in California, so I don't have to make a decision." However, as the saying goes, "the personal is political."

My sister is gay. That has made this debate personal.

Just a few months ago I was talking with my sister’s friend (who is also gay) defending my LDS friends who believe the “I love you even though you’re gay” sentiment. I was arguing that one could love a gay family member and not accept (or even like) his or her sexuality.

My thinking shifted when she explained that for many people (possibly even me), their sexuality is a fundamental part of their personhood. So to truly love any kind of person, gay or otherwise, you cannot say, “I love you even though…” you have to say, “I love you, period.”

If my sister is gay, and God made her that way just as He made me straight, then I love that she is gay. For me, to be against gay marriage is to be against my own sister. How can I tell her, "You know, I love you but I really hate this particular fundamental part of who you are." I refuse to do that.

If that attitude is in conflict with the teachings of my faith, then it is something that I will have to just sit with, perhaps for the rest of my life. I love my sister too much, and I love my faith too much (which, paradoxically, has become more personal and more inspiring than ever in my life).

I hope my friends and family who disagree with me will be understanding and not decide that I have lost my testimony or am not following the prophet, both of which miss the point. There are simply some things you cannot reconcile or explain into neat categories. You just have to sit with them.

The best I can do is to allow this tension to make me a little softer, a little more humble, a little more patient. A little more like the One I claim to follow.

B. Hussein Obama as a scary man, and other observations

Friend's Facebook Update: "****** is MOVING OUT OF THE COUNTRY because of B. Hussein Obama!"

Me: "I wanted to move 8 years ago, but the world didn't end like I thought it would. Regardless of how we feel about the new President, life will go on."

Friend: "You are right, life will go on but I don't want to live in a socialistic country! He is a very scary evil man who has fooled a lot of people!"

Me (trying really hard to be kind): "Wow, you have really strong feelings about it! It is interesting how we have all switched. I thought and still think that W. was scary and evil (well, mostly some people on his staff). So I guess the universe balances itself out. My condolences that you have that view of our new president. That is not a fun place to be. It was pretty rough on the other side of things for the past 8 years, so in a strange way I can understand how you are feeling."

---

The reactions to my gay marriage stance have been mixed (although many people were kind and understanding, even if they disagreed, so thank you). Here's one:

Friend #2: "Adam, you are KIDDING ON PROP 8 RIGHT?"

Me: "Did you read my blog?" (I had referred him here a few days ealier.)

Friend #2: "No, did you read the letter from the First Presidency?"

Me (once again trying to be kind): "Please read my blog."

After some discussion I was given these questions: "Do you think the prophet is just a guy with some good ideas?" and "Do you believe God is Your God or do you believe that God is God of the whole world?"

I played with those a little but it is not fun to be manipulated. Why do we ask those types of questions to each other? I know I have, especially online. Why do many of us listen to manipulate rather than understand?

After pointing out that prophets can sometimes be wrong, e.g. that "Brigham Young was racist,"  he said, "Everyone was racist." While I regretted bringing that up and continuing this type of discussion, I could not help but smile at the deep irony of his comment. "Everyone was racist." Now once again, I don't know what will happen 150 years in the future, but perhaps we as a people and a church will look back on today and excuse our current ideas with, "well, everyone was heterosexist."

---

Finally, for Utahns, how in the holy name of Buddha did Chris Buttars get reelected? Who were the 18,000 people in South Jordan that voted him in again? Do they not like black babies either?

My testimony, and why I'm against Prop. 8

*What is Prop. 8?

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it is not a comfortable opinion to have. I often worry that other members will pigeon hole the rest of my beliefs into the fact that I'm not anti-gay marriage. So let me be absolutely clear.

I believe in Jesus Christ, that he is the Savior of the world, who will one day ease the suffering in the world and fix what is broken in most of us and our relationships. I believe we can turn to Him now for peace. I love the church for its community, trust in volunteer members, and its deep and inspiring theology. Almost everything good in my life has come as a direct result of my membership in the church. I love the temple. I believe I have felt the influence of God there on more than one occasion. Despite his flaws, I believe God worked through Joseph Smith. I love the Book of Mormon. I know it is good and true as much as I know that I love my wife and son.

I have tried to remain as neutral as possible on the gay marriage debate. Most of the time I just passed it off with "well, I don't live in California, so I don't need to make a decision." However, as the saying goes, "the personal is political." For me to be against gay marriage is to be against family, against good friends. How can I tell them, "You know, I love you but I really hate this particular fundamental part of who you are." I refuse to do that. People who are lesbian or gay who want to be married did not choose their sexuality any more than I chose to be straight. So it has become a personal issue for me. If I were in California on tomorrow, I would vote no on Prop 8, because I cannot discriminate against people I love. That is how I see it. I'm not saying you need to agree.

I don't know what will happen in the future, or what the "effects" of Prop 8 passing or failing will be. I could be misguided. I will continue to support the church and President Monson in every way that I can, and I am also grateful that the most fundamental aspect of the gospel is that of agency. While it is not easy having an opinion that is different from that of our leaders, I have disagreed with prophets in the past on polygamy and the priesthood ban, both unarguably huge issues. I am not using that as an excuse, but rather an example of how I can be a faithful member and not hate homosexuality.

I hope that my friends and family outside the church will respect my religious beliefs. I hope that my friends and family inside the church who disagree with me will be understanding and not decide that I have lost my testimony or some other temptingly easy but untrue explanation. The very least we can do with all this is allow it to makes us a little softer, a little more humble, a little more patient. A little more Christlike.

Related Posts:

• My Prop 8. essay from the December 2008 issue of Sunstone
• Gay Marriage & Some Real Threats to "The Family"
• Mormon Matters: Celestial Marriage Amendment

Gay Marriage & Some Real Threats to The Family

A colleague and I led a discussion on lesbian and gay families in class last week. Here are some of the talking points from the text:

1. “Lesbians and gays are simultaneously depicted as chic and pioneering, and as a major sign of social deterioration and the source of the destruction of the family as we know it.”
   
2. “There is no uniform or normative definition for the “gay family” any more than there is for the “American family.”
   
3. “Governments, through social and family policies, determine the rights, rules, and benefits for families… in the process encouraging some family forms and discouraging others.”
   
4. “This fiery and continuing national debate has nothing to do with the success, mental or social health, or social responsibility of lesbian or gay couples and their children. It has everything to do with cultural struggles over the meaning of “family,” and protecting and preserving heterosexual marriage..."
5. “It is clear that gay and lesbian expressions of family and kinship are having profound effects on the larger society’s construction of these categories.”

What think Ye of these points? What would it be like to be simultaneously considered "pioneering" and a "sign of deterioration" (#1)? Legalizing gay marriage will have an effect on society. The important point is, what kind of effect? Should we widen the "legal" definition of a "married couple" or is it a threat to the heterosexual definition of The Family? Why?

I think the real threats to the "The Family" are poor parenting, disorganized attachment, lack of adequate health care, the idea that love = romance, and extremely poor emotional regulation and relationship skills, to name just a few. These problems exist in families across the board, despite sexual orientation, race, gender, religion, or ice-cream flavor preference. 

Rather then spending so much time and money in California and elsewhere, imagine if we all put the same money and effort into providing effective mental health care, parent and couples education, and programs like Circle of Security? What if we went door to door and put up signs and made phone calls and read letters over the pulpit encouraging community action to work on these insidious problems that have been plaguing The Family for generations?

Mormon Matters: A letter from my sister...

Perhaps our feelings about tomorrow’s letter were abreacted in last week’s [on Mormon Matters] diverse and sporadically acerbic discussion. My purpose in this post is to highlight some of the feelings and views of one who is connected to many aspects of the Church’s political action regarding gay marriage. My sister Emily is a lawyer in California, and gay (also kind, witty, and sagacious, but that is beside the point). Her journey through life has had a positive and profound impact on my family and I. I have learned a lot from her, but this issue specifically has inspired me to be more thoughtful and considerate of those who are different from my straight white male middle-class American self (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

I have often contemplated on the thought that members with gay friends or family often seem to feel differently than those who do not (or who are not aware of it). The following is from an email regarding this topic she recently sent to the rest of our family and some friends.  Continue reading...

Some research on gay fathers...

...with no religious credo, political bent, or personal elucidation attached:

1. Children of gay parents are not more likely to be gay themselves.
   
2. They may have a more difficult time being judged by their peers.
   
3. They tend to develop a less prejudicial view of the world.
4. Gay fathers place greater emphasis on verbal communication.
5. They show more consistency in enforcing limits.
6. They respond more reliably to the perceived needs of their children. 

(From Fatherneed, by Kyle Pruett, M.D, and The Value of Children to Gay and Heterosexual Fathers by Bigner & Jacobsen.)

Do you have any research (cogent conjectures and scurvy rejoinders are also welcome) to add to this?  I am interested.