Marriage Sunday School Class

I am teaching a class on marriage and relationships at church starting next month... Please go to Mormon Matters and offer some sage advice!

Poll on Marriage Counseling

Since my wife and I have started seeing a counselor (trying to make that 8/10 marriage into a 9.8 out of 10), we have had various reactions from friends and family. Some think it's a good idea for anyone, some are a little jealous, and some recoil with horror and try to make excuses for why we would need to do such a thing. "Surely it must be for your training, Adam." Little does that third group know, we like going. We are actually regular people with regular problems, and don't want to settle for anything less that pretty much amazing. Which is important because contrary to popular belief, people who have higher standards and expectations for their marriage have the best marriages, not the worst.

While I certainly don't think everyone needs to go, even if they have the opportunity, it is a great resource, and I am curious why many of us don't. Time for a poll!

For those voting "other," feel free to leave a thought in the comments. :)

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass

My review

5 of 5 stars

Excellent research/clinically based overview of infidelity, how to prevent it, and how to get over it. The first few chapters are helpful for any committed relationship, regardless of whether an affair has occurred or not. I recommend the rest as well to anyone who needs help, or is interested in understanding how affairs happen in good (and bad) marriages, and what the unfaithful spouse, betrayed spouse, and even the affair partner go through.

While I have often heard the idea that married couples should "never be alone with a member of the opposite sex" and in some cases going so far as to say you should not even be friends, Glass outlines a much more practical yet still safe way to work with and have relationships with those of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on one's orientation):

1. Be completely open with your partner about what is going on between you and the other person.
2. Don't have lunch at work with the same person alone every time. If you have to travel with them, meet in public rooms, and never in a room with a bed.
3. "Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives."
4. If you need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a "friend of the marriage," i.e. they support your relationship. Make sure your friends are supportive of your relationship.
5. Discuss your online friendships with your partner. (Currently my wife does not have facebook, for example, so we talk about my online friends occasionally.)

Facts about infidelity:

• It is normal to be attracted to another person, but fantasizing about what it would be like to be with them is a danger sign.
• A happy marriage does not prevent infidelity.
• Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual chemistry. They can be more threatening than brief sexual flings.
• Only 3% of unfaithful spouses end up marrying their affair partners.

View all my reviews.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars

Hold Me Tight presents an attachment-based view of adult romantic love and relationships, based on the author's own Emotionally Focused Therapy... a lot of great info on working with emotions in your relationship, and not getting caught up in the same patterns up conflict that plague pretty much all of us. However, I think that the attempt at putting the highly interactive and experiential (not to mention effective!) therapy into book form was not a complete success--if it is even possible.

Read the book, especially the parts you can relate to (there will be plenty). Then if you have the inclination, find an EFT therapist. My wife and I have been to 8 sessions now, and are loving it. It is quite liberating to have new emotional experiences in therapy that allow for new ways of dealing with old problems and cycles of conflict.

View all my reviews.

Movie: Taken

"I don’t know you who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for a ransom, I can tell you, I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills acquired over a very long career in the shadows, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you. And I will kill you."

It may not be Oscar worthy, and the above line from Liam Neeson in the film (as a retired spy, but who cares) sums up the entire plot, but no matter, the movie was full of the bad guys getting their express version of karmic payback. No ransom negotiations, well, no negotiations at all after the warning above. Sometimes I love movies like this. You don't have to think much. You can just sit and feel the cathartic bliss that is Liam Neeson opening up a can on the bad guys--who aren't always black and white, but Liam doesn't care!

You know in movies when the protagonist goes into a building full of bad guys, and you start to worry about your hero--what might happen to him, will they catch him--well, in this movie the good guy goes into that building, and you start to laugh in a disturbing kind of way, because you know the bad guys are soon going to be kicking the bucket. Highly recommended if you like action, Liam Neeson, and shock and awe-ish revenge on kidnappers. Or any of the above.